Retro-Blog 2009.12.28 - A Bad Day (that could have been much worse)

An "eventful" day, and a grim tomorrow.
Michael Kepler
December 28, 2009   · 6 min read  · Shared with Public

Just to throw something positive out here first, I went to my friend Jeff's birthday party on Saturday night, and it was fun.  Just to prove I can never let anything be completely positive, as my second attempt at karaoke in recent months, this further convinces me that I can no longer sing well.

Then came Sunday, which is still for me "Today" subjectively, although it is already a Monday I have been dreading for a week now.  It won't get any better with less sleep, so I am attacking my consciousness from multiple angles, which may affect the coherence or prudence of the content of this post as it goes on (and inevitably on).

Sunday, our daughter Jennifer and her boyfriend, three cats and a mouse, left in their little Subaru to return to Ft Collins CO (from PDX OR).   We had advised them against taking the northern route, but something or someone convinced them otherwise.  Out around Troutdale on the I84, just as the freeway really gets into the wicked Columbia Gorge winds, she attempted a lane change, a gust of wind got under the little car, and over it went, bouncing off the median and rolling, according to witnesses, three times.

Our daughter and her pet human came through it virtually unharmed, physically at least.  Her other pets did not fare as well.  While she was still sitting in her, thankfully upright, totaled vehicle, a stranger handed her Baz, their little black kitten, apparently unharmed, through her broken window, and reported that he had seen the large cat (Merlin) running off into the brush on the shoulder.

Sadly, there were no eyewitness reports of what happened to Mia, the kitty I had almost begged her to leave with me.  Mia had seemed so happy to be home, and even our other cat Vivian, had forgiven her absence by earlier that same morning, running and playing with her in the house.  Fortunately, there were no flat cats in the area, on either side of the freeway, and no blood trail on the road or shoulder, but also no Mia.

We were not the first called, yet we were first on the scene among family members.  I know that's a petty point to make at this time, but it relates to what follows.  Tony, Jennifer's brother, was waiting at the towing yard when we arrived, following the wreck, and helped recover personal possessions from the wreck and transported them in his car back home.  He waited for hours while the rest of us, now including the parents of Jennifer's boyfriend, returned to the accident scene to search for the cats, in the biting cold wind and darkness.

Nothing was found.  This is not surprising, as both cats were still probably very frightened by what had happened, and would be laying low and keeping quiet somewhere, hopefully well out of the wind, and hopefully together.  Merlin has good street smarts and proven cold weather outdoor survival skills.  Mia has always been an indoor/outdoor cat, but has never had to spend a night outside, much less in winter and a strange and hazardous environment.  Both wore breakaway collars.  Merlin's was found in the car, and thus he carries no identification.  Mia's was not found, so there is some hope that if she is found by people, they will have Jennifer's contact information on Mia's tag.   If they stuck together, this could help with Merlin's recovery as well.  I plan on returning in the daylight, and dressed better for the cold, to resume the search.

At the end of the day, Jennifer chose to stay with her other family, her boyfriend's family.  There is no good reason for this to surprise or hurt me, but it does.  Part of it was how it came down.  Tony drove us over to unload the recovered contents of the Subaru at her boyfriend's house, after previous discussion at home had seemed to pre-suppose that Jennifer would be returning home for the night.  As we finished unloading, she casually mentioned that she would be staying there, as if it had been the plan all along.  I felt I had been, if not directly misled, passively allowed to mislead myself.   I know it is natural and normal and expected for children to grow up and lead their own lives, I just didn't expect our child to choose another family, other parents, before she even left home.   It is normal and natural for her to want to live with her boyfriend, but is it normal or natural that we don't know him, or his parents, at all?   Is it normal and natural that their relationship began, under his parent's separate rooves, when she was 18 and he was only 15 years old?  I can't put this all on his parents.  Somehow, we let it happen, too.  Too afraid of driving her away, we kept mostly silent, yet still said far more than enough to make it far too easy for her to turn her back on us and close most of her life off from us, while embracing not just this boy, but his family, as her own.

Again, I know this is petty stuff and should not matter, especially today.  She should be where she wants to be.  I still have not come to terms, after years of reminders, that her real home is not our home.  I know I must have been over this previously in my blogs.  It just surprises me that I can still be so naive and vulnerable.  More than just a failure as a parent, I feel like a sorry excuse for a grown-up.

Anyway, this should be a happy day, because she is unhurt, and it is.  But I can't ignore the fact that I am still so very sad about so many things, and this day brought new wounds along with opening old.

So, on to "tomorrow", which is already technically "today", but I am still trying to convince myself to sleep.

Today, Monday, is the day of the "family meeting" with the staff of the facility where my Father is, essentially, being held captive at this point, and the bizarre cast of characters that pass for an extended family, so many of them so sure they know what is best for him and that they have the right to impose their will on him.  In the various discussions in phone calls and emails leading up to this day, and the interactions we had on previous occasions, most notably a sort of Christmas party we held for Dad last week, the battle lines have been drawn.  Some parties to this battle do not hesitate to distort their interpretations of my Dad's condition, if not outright lie, just to see things go the way they feel it should.

I suppose I'm going to have more than enough to say about this after the fact, and I am finally starting to get sleepy.

I should just delete this whole damned thing.  It does nothing to help anyone.  But if I start deleting myself here, where do I stop?  I spent most of the past year being mostly silent and mostly absent.  Maybe that was for the greater good in more potential situations than I will ever know, but it still leaves me wondering what reason I have to persist, to exist, if I am nothing but silence and absence.  I know too much and nothing are not the only choices, but I find myself increasingly unable to reliably judge what other more subtle choices may be safe and acceptable.  Today, obviously, I choose too much.  No doubt, I will soon learn the horrible foolishness of that choice.
My apologies, for what little they are worth, are offered.  My apologies for thinking and feeling, speaking and acting, wrongly.
1 Comment

Elaine Romero
It's a lot. Hang in there.