It took me a long time to arrive at the title for this experiment. I started with "Optimism" but that didn't feel right. I had noticed that when I write, even when I start out with intentions of reporting positive outcomes, I have a habit of making sure I thoroughly cover all of the negatives as well. The idea here is to write something in which I focus on the good over the bad of my experiences and feelings. I searched my psyche for positive adjectives I could apply to myself that didn't instantly inspire a sarcastic counterpoint, and I finally settled on "grateful". I can honestly say that there are a great many things in life for which I am grateful, but don't worry, this isn't turning into some kind of sappy list of puppies and sunsets.
This is part of a continuing series reporting to myself about the efficacy of pharmaceutical interventions of my various psychological and/or neurological defects.
After extensive trials over the course of years, the following medications have a net positive effect on my behavior and feelings:
Clonazepam (AKA Klonopin), a benzodiazepine class of tranquilizer
1mg every 6 hours.
This has been very effective in preventing a number of the worst of my traditional panic symptoms, as well as preventing a difficult to describe sort of obsessive circular thinking about unsolvable existential dilemmas, which had begun back when I was 3 years old (not kidding).
Atenolol, a Beta Blocker
25mg twice a day, six hours apart
While not technically a psychiatric medication, in addition to its application to hypertension, it suppresses the physical symptoms of panic attacks (increased heart rate, shortness of breath), and I believe it breaks a feedback loop that causes panic attacks to escalate. Without it, I often experienced subjectively realistic, yet false, symptoms of cardiac distress.
Sertraline (AKA Zoloft), an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor)
100mg per day
This was the gold at the end of the rainbow for me. When I began Zoloft a few months ago, it had been literally years since I had last tried an SSRI. All previous trials with other drugs produced dramatic negative effects, both in terms of known possible side effects, and zero or inverse results for the intended primary effect. It isn't a "happy pill", but it is a surprisingly effective at making me feel significantly less terrible. I suspect this medication is what allows me to write this "Gratitude Experiment". Here's an unexpected and welcome side-effect: I am slowly but steadily losing weight since starting Sertraline, and I have no idea how or why. I could make some guesses, but I am pretty much unaware of the changes in my behavior that have led to this weight loss. I think I've been on it for a little more than two months, and I have lost 25lbs. Not to worry, I could lose another 25 and still be overweight.
So, those are the drugs for which I am grateful in terms of my psychological well being. For my purely physical conditions, there is a whole other list which I can't even remember off the top of my head, but I'm grateful for those as well.
I must emphasize strongly, as I have before, that I am not advocating the use of any of these specific substances. Every person is different, and responds differently to the same substances. If you don't feel overwhelmed by or hopeless about your life, you probably don't need any of these, or anything like them. If you would benefit from pharmaceutical intervention, that must be a cautious process undertaken at the direction of a qualified psychiatrist.
This satisfies the primary intent for this post. The lack of a list of the many people and things for which I am grateful should not be interpreted as a lack of appreciation for the same.
Ungrateful and ungracious complaints aplenty in future posts, I promise!