My Birthday present to myself this year is indulging in feeling sorry for myself. For a change.
I learned weeks ago that a Karaoke From Hell performance would, for maybe the only time ever, be happening on my actual Birthday. I have been trying to psych myself up mentally and physically for actually going, but... mostly due to anxiety I have had very little sleep. I already felt a little overshadowed by other very publicly promoted Birthdays near this date, some related directly to Karaoke From Hell, and then I find out that tonight's performance is "JJ's Karaoke From Hell Birthday Party". I don't even know who "JJ" is.
This goes to the heart of the problem. There is a core group of KFH "regulars", but I haven't been regularly a part of that for longer than I was. Back in the early days, I was so omnipresent at their shows I may have even been an annoyance, but it has been much longer since then than my return and my second absence combined.
There has to come a time when I realize that I am no longer meaningfully part of something. That something is a thing with or without me. That is as it should be and it is petty of me to be hurt by it.
Consider also, that I seldom feel the stirring of the urge to sing, even though it had once been, for better or worse, right or wrong, the most important thing to me, especially with an audience, and that when I now do attempt to sing, I am horrified at how much worse I am now than I indulgently remember myself to have once been. Awkward run-on sentence win!
No comments:
Post a Comment