Maybe there is just enough story here to justify a return to telling.
I have a profound feeling of isolation and powerlessness, given that there are things that plague my mind which I cannot share with anyone, not even my marriage partner of over 30 years. Not even with my psychiatrist, with whom I have an appointment "tomorrow" (later today).
I had an appointment with this same psychiatrist some months ago, arriving at least as burdened with needful, for me at least, things to say as I am now, but the very first words out of his mouth were "How is your lovely wife?" You see, he had met her, and like everyone else who meets her, the fact of my existence became part of her, much more interesting, story. She does not make this happen by intent. It is just the natural response everyone has upon meeting her. She is amazing, and putting up with me as a husband is just one more way in which she is amazing. I know it sounds like I am resentful, but I really am not, most of the time, and when I am, I always come to realize that my feelings were wrong, ungrateful, and petty.
She is not the reason I have problems. She is the reason I am still alive. Her, and my granddaughter.
I would not be writing this if I believed that anyone, even my original singular assumed reader, was going to read it. Paradoxically, I am motivated to write largely because I made a link to this blog the sole external link on my Bandcamp page. I am still arguing with myself about why I would do such a thing.
Here's the story:
I have been having disturbing incidents in which it seems that my psychiatric medications do not appear to be working. At the same time, I am noticing, subjectively at least, a decline in my general cognitive function.
I had already made this next appointment with my psychiatrist when I came due for an annual wellness exam with my primary care physician. Much to my surprise and discomfort, they had a whole new questionnaire addressing, quite specifically, mental health. I had been comfortable compartmentalizing my physical and mental health with two different care providers, but I felt an obligation to complete what was put before me, and to do so honestly.
Apparently, my honest answers set off some silent alarms, or the whole intake procedure for a wellness exam had been radically altered. Once I was ushered into an exam room, a nurse orally administered a much more comprehensive psychological evaluation, followed by additional questions from my doctor. The primary focus seemed to be on risks of suicide. Maybe it is a risk management thing. There was more weird shit, but I am getting tired, and my window of available sleep time is narrowing.
Notably, however, I was taken aback by newfound warnings from my GP about the risks of Zolpidem (Ambien), which he had long ago prescribed to me. Suddenly now, after at least two years of daily use, I am warned that this drug can contribute to both short term and long term cognitive deficits, and problems with equilibrium, including an elevated risk of developing full-on dementia. I am now terrified that the damage is already done, while also trying to cease use of Ambien "cold turkey".
Almost as if motivated by learning of my barely controlled anxiety and depression, he also told me that my decision to cease use of a CPAP machine several years ago was probably causing permanent brain damage, and would also increase my risk of developing dementia.
Hooray.
So, a lot to cover with my psychiatrist, if he lets me finish a sentence or two, and very little time left to sleep.
More than enough. Goodbye.
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