I would surrender the rest of my life for just one week without pain or feebleness. This is the wish of a feeble, childish and selfish mind.
I should not post this. I should not endanger anyone with the slightest possibility of reading this. But my various essential measurements of health have been so unstable, so unmanageable, I have just enough ego left that I don't want to obliterate what may be my last stupid thoughts.
No I am not suicidal. I don't need to be. The Reaper is coming for me on multiple fronts. The only gift he offers is an end to this pain.
Sometimes, there is an ebb to the crashing tide of pain, and I can hear music, and I am still glad to be alive.
ReplyDeleteAnd some days start tolerable and become intolerable, and I remind myself that everything is temporary, even pain, and subjective definitions of tolerable and intolerable are not immutable. The only choice is to endure, hopefully until an opportunity comes to do more than endure, to live more fully. Even if that opportunity never comes, one way or another the pain will cease without my intervention. Pain distorts time, and can feel infinite and unending, but all things end, even pain.
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