This same ritual, over and over again. Every time I see anyone medical about anything medical. Answering the same questions over and over, lists of conditions and medications only get longer. I usually manage to sneak in a few jokes. The gallows humor of simple honesty. At least I think it's funny.
This time, something broke. Not a snap. Not anger or impatience. Sadness. A broken pipe of sadness inside me, filling me, filling the room, drowning me. I had to work so hard to keep it hidden.
It reminded me oddly of my wide awake heart procedure earlier this year. Alternating waves of ice and fire radiating out from my chest. Fighting not to shiver. Fighting not to scream. Dying over and over again. The commonality between these otherwise disparate experiences was a feeling of total helplessness. [Editorial note: A long overdue more complete treatment of my wide awake heart procedure is in the works, "not that anyone asked"*.]
When I was finally allowed to leave, the feeling came with me, has stayed with me all day and all night. I am drowning in despair and I cannot even articulate why.
*the quoted portion is excerpted dialog from the sidekick goth girl Sarah in S3E3 of The Big Bang Theory, "The Gothowitz Deviation".
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