"Notes To Myself"
existence:
I don't know why I'm here but I don't know where else to be
I've just about convinced myself that I'm an alien
(Portland, Oct. '81)
boredom:
babble babble blank-barren-mindedness
unthinking nonthoughts
unfeeling nonfeelings
nontouching untouchables
(Boston, Sept. '81)
antipathy:
there is a certain comfort in bitterness
a stability in despair
a security in hatred
I really feel best when I don't give a shit
(Wild Planet, Dec. '81)
group dynamics:
no real solitude
no real companionship
just human presence
(Cannon Beach, Aug, '81)
observation:
the sidewalk was littered with torn and rain-soaked ledger sheets
so I reasoned that another businessman must have exploded
(Portland, Nov. '81)
deception:
what better place to hide a golden egg
than in a rubber chicken?
(Haystack '79)
art:
the primary value of the abstract
is that it is not dependent
upon any specific context
(Linfield, May '82)
reality:
illusions
yum, yum, I eat them
they sustain me
(Linfield, May '82)
creativity:
if we could harness the human imagination
it would drive tiny windmills
(Linfield, May '82)
degeneration:
slow decay, sudden flare-up, I'm oxidizing
(Linfield, April '82)
my mind is rusting out, my emotions are in flames
soon there will be very little of me left
(Summer '82)
paranoia:
I can't laugh at myself, because so many others
have already done it for me
(Summer '82)
irrigation:
hot piss on cold mud, pale shit between corn rows
working in the food chain, I'm feeding the world
(Summer '82)
endurance:
all you long-suffering heroes of perseverance
where do you get your strength?
somehow, I just can't take you seriously
(Summer '82)
prophecy:
all visions of the future are composed of images
from memories of the past
(Summer '82)
metaphysics:
no amount of philosophy
could ever change
the bio-chemical reactions
in my body and my brain
or at least that's what I think
(Summer '82)
madness:
insanity is a fun idea to play with
until, you really see it for the first time
in yourself
(Summer '82)
distress:
help me
echoes off cold stone walls
help me
rings dead in still air
help me
drowned-out by noise
(Summer '82)
limbo:
I feel dead
and I ask myself
am I only imagining
that I was once alive?
(Summer '82)
freedom:
freedom is food and shelter
freedom is light and heat
freedom is soap and water
freedom is money
(Berkeley "Y", Nov. '81)
waiting:
I'm bored - so bored
in clock-ticking, water-dripping silence
sinking into homogeneous monotony
eat me darkness, eat me silence
dead thoughts
(Limbo, June '82)
honesty:
no-one is the perfect and smiling reflection
of anyone else
thus, honesty leads to adversity
(Limbo, Aug. '82)
truth:
lies are the most common and cruel sins
(Greyhound Southbound, Sept. '82)
words:
language is not complete reality
nor is it pure abstraction
it is a structure that extends
from the edge of reality
to the edge of abstraction
(Space, Nov. '82)
language:
human values are closely linked to human languages
only through language can value be defined
(Space, Nov. '82)
resignation:
I no longer hate the life
it seems that I must live
I simply hate myself
for the times when I believe
it could be different
(Greyhound Southbound, Sept. '82)
ismism:
mind less ness
direction less ness
meaning less ness
hope less ness
(SanFranBay NorthCal, Sept. '82)
transience:
the hunger passes in through me
so familiar
so clean
so real
(McMinnville City Park, Nov. '82)
I'm living on meager means
in various spaces
permanently temporarily nowhere
(SanFranBay NorthCal, Sept. '82)
confession:
I have nothing to offer except pain in pretty boxes
eloquent screams
whimpers that rhyme
(Space, Nov, '82)
detachment:
they're all riding a merry-go-round
every time I try to grab ahold
I get thrown-off
(Space, Nov. '82)
stability:
modes of operation
plans of action
metamorphose
cannot map the surface of the sea
(Space, Nov. '82)
survival:
I have only my pride and my rebellion to keep me afloat
in this vast sea of indifference
(Flux, Dec. '82}
bio-chemistry:
too much sugar
too much caffeine
I'm a gurgling bag of chemicals
(Flux, Dec. '82)
art(2):
art is dependent upon medium
medium is drawn from available technology
technology serves the demands of commerce
(Space, Nov. '82)
philisophication:
I know my limitations
and I hate them
(Flux, Dec. '82)
smalltalk:
smalltalk 'round the kitchen table
smalltalk on the TV tube
talk to paint a gloss across the surface
of the superficial lives of simple minds
(Flux, Dec. '82)
transience(3):
I'm just a sack of potatoes
sitting in the corner
with baggage tags tied to my ears
(Flux, Dec. '82)
free will:
my head is just a sponge
soaked through will all the chemicals
that tell me what to do
(Winter Solstice '82)
points:
too many one-way signs pointing into the darkness
too many people pointing at an empty picture frame
shouting "Masterpiece, Masterpiece!"
(Winter Solstice '82)
maturation:
I've always been so far ahead of myself
but now I see that in many ways
I have yet to take my first step
(Winter Solstice '82)
status:
I'm not underground
I'm not overground
I'm not mainstream
I'm not fringe
I live between the cracks
(Void, Jan. '83)
options:
I'm too slow for success
too smart for contentment
too selfish for suicide
and too weak for change
(Void, Jan. '83}
darkness:
words are an abstraction
far too substantial
to convey an empty reality
(Void, Jan. '83)
paranoia(2):
when the reason for fear is gone
fear creates its own reason
(Linfield, March '83)
cognition:
I haven't a thought in my head
this happens
when I have too much to think about
(S.F. State, April '83)
loops:
I never thought I would be here again
this is because I make the mistake
of presuming that I have some control
over my life
(SoCal, April '84)
propaganda:
once an idea has been accepted into the mind
it has been given consent
to manifest itself in social action
(SoCal, May '85)
evangelism:
I like Jimmy Swaggart because he sweats like Elvis
(Salem, Summer '86)
philosophy:
philosophy is a religion
dedicated to the systematic removal
of meaning from all existence
(Linfield, Fall '86)
behaviorism:
behaviorism is a religion
dedicated to the systematic removal
of ethics from all human events
(Linfield, Fall '86)
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