[Edited February 27, minor fixes and an editorial note, in addition to this one.]
Disclaimers
By having specific preferences, and expressing the ideas or feelings that motivate them, I do not intend in any way to criticize differing preferences ideas, feelings, traditions or beliefs of others. Yet, having said that, I recognize that I have a history of criticizing many of the practices, ideas and beliefs of those who have a similar cultural and religious history to mine, and this is likely as not to become evident here.
Before I get to my specific preferences, I acknowledge that there may be insurmountable practical barriers to carrying them out exactly as desired. At this time, I do not know the condition in which my body may be found or recovered, or if it will be physically attainable at all. It may be intact, or dismembered or mutilated in any number of ways and degrees of severity, and it may be in various stages of decay. All of these may have some affect on how it is to be disposed, and in some possible cases, it may be in the interest of public health to ignore my preferences. I acknowledge and accept all of this. After all, I will be dead, and it is unlikely that it will make any difference to me, and it is very likely that there will be no "me".
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This may be a good point at which to explain, if it is not already evident, that I am often of two or more contrary minds regarding any given matter. This is particularly the case when it comes to intangibles, such as articles of faith.
Religious Background
As a person's specific relationship to matters of faith is an important guiding factor in planning and executing the disposal of remains, I shall try to explain myself in these matters as clearly as possible.
It's complicated.
I was raised until at least age 10 in the context of a very conservative rural Baptist church. This was mostly a confusing and traumatic experience for me, yet my soft brain was indelibly imprinted with a genuine fear of God, and a deep sense of unworthiness. This was compounded by being cursed with a mind just smart enough to foster doubt, and inevitable guilt over the same. As early as age 3, I would lie in bed and try to imagine God before the creation. Where was he before there was anywhere to be? If we are in his image in a literal sense, was God like a man "floating" in nothingness? I tried to imagine eternity. I tried to imagine how a universe, or a life, could have a beginning, but no end, or alternately end in eternal nothingness. I could not simply stop myself from contemplating these absurd unsolvable questions. I was, I am, equally terrified of mortality and immortality. At times I would literally beat my head against the headboard of my bed to try to break the spinning terror in my mind. I did not sleep well. As years passed, I considered my life to be a process of finding ways to distract myself from unthinkable existential terror.
After moving beyond the reach of that small town Baptist church, my parents became what I would call church-hoppers. As if in search of a new faith that fit them, we would attend a different variety of protestant church nearly every week. This was very educational, and also fostered a growing cynicism about the authority of churches and preachers. The stranger-than-fiction anecdotes are many, but fortunately slowly sinking into the dark depths of my impaired memory.
I eventually decided that I was much too clever to believe in primitive religions, yet the fear and shame are still with me, although attenuated significantly by 4mg of Clonazepam (aka Klonoptin) a day.
As for religions other than variants of Christianity, I am
honestly mostly ignorant, but curious. From what little I have read, it
seems that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam have portions of their
sacred texts in common, all worship essentially the same monotheistic
God, and differ primarily on who their favorite Prophet or Savior is.
That hardly seems enough difference over which to be having centuries of
war, but what do I know? Hinduism, as seen from a distance, seems like
a fascinating polytheistic acid trip. Buddhism seems the most benign,
and the only one that doesn't have, as far as I know, the concept of a
God. Are there other major religions? I can't think of any right now,
but I'm sure there are many.
Enough preamble. On to some specifics:
Organ, Body, or Tissue Donation
I understand that it is unspeakably selfish of me to withhold a body I will no-longer inhabit from the re-use of organs, or donation in whole or in part to medical education or research. Nonetheless, I am unspeakably selfish in this matter. My only reasonable excuse for refusing organ donation is that I don't believe I have any organs that would be particularly preferable, or perhaps even usable. I was born broken in several known ways, and probably in other ways not identified, and I have not exactly worshiped at the temple of this body. It has malfunctioned numerous times in numerous ways, and continues to do so. My more unreasonable excuses have to do with some religious superstitions which have deep roots in my broken brain, mutated by my own psychoses, and cannot be fully weeded out.
Preparation and Burial of the Body
Important: while what I describe is essentially a "natural burial", please do not allow anyone to construe my meaning to be what is commonly called an "ecological burial", a process which involves a disintegration of the body far more thorough than cremation. I do not wish to be frozen in nitrogen and shaken to bits. Yes, I know it isn't really me, just my physical remains, but I'm just weird about this. People, often are weird about stuff like this, each in their own way.
I would prefer to be prepared and buried by methods similar to what I have heard referred to as "natural burial", and I believe is also similar to other traditions. I do not wish to be embalmed, nor even to have my blood removed. I do not wish my organs to be removed. I have no problem with temporary refrigeration or freezing of my remains until the most convenient time for preparation and burial.
I would prefer that my body, or recoverable portions thereof, be stripped of clothing, cleaned, wrapped in some manner of biodegradable cloth, and placed in a biodegradable casket. I would prefer a woven casket, preferably of willow, as I have had a love of willows throughout my life, but whatever material seems prudent will do. I definitely do not want my casket placed in a buried vault, or surface mausoleum, but rather placed directly in the earth. I do not mind the inevitability that the casket will be likely crushed in the course of re-filling the hole. If my casket is to be on display for any kind of memorial service, but there is a risk of an unpleasant odor, any means which will not be damaging to the local ecosystem may be employed to mitigate the odor. At this writing, I have done no research into such things. Under no circumstances is there to be a public viewing of my remains. My remains should only be seen by those who transport it to a place for preparation, those who are involved in preparing it for burial, and any forensic examiner if such is required.
I do not wish to be cremated, if it can be avoided. I find the practical process of cremation to be horrifying, even though I wouldn't actually experience it. But if it cannot be avoided, then at least I would prefer not to become a gruesome household decoration nobody really wants, but would rather join the silt of the Willamette river, if possible. To be released somewhere beyond the bounds of the Earth would be ideal, but an expensive indulgence for a person who earned no such grandiose disposal in life and, as I seem to keep saying, is dead anyway.
Funeral, Wake, Whatever
Obviously, funerals, graveside services, and other such memorial gatherings, are to meet the needs of the living, as the dead have no more needs. Nonetheless, I cannot resist a final posthumous opportunity to coerce people into hearing music that I love. If there is to be an extended period of time during any gathering during which background music would be appropriate, I wish that music to be the album "A Blessing of Tears" by Robert Fripp, or really anything by Arvo Part. Additionally, to open and close any formal ceremony, I wish for the song "Here Comes The Flood" by Peter Gabriel to serve as opening, not the overproduced bombastic version from his first album, but rather the simpler arrangements that can be found on Robert Fripp's album "Exposure" or Peter Gabriel's first best-of collection "16 Golden Greats" (terrible title). For a closing song, the brief instrumental closing theme to Mystery Science Theater 3000, either in it's original form, or preferably, transcribed for and played on or recorded from a sizeable church organ. I have a work in progress version of my own cover of "Here Comes The Flood", which, if finished before my death, may be preferable. Similarly, I have not yet begun the process of transcribing and re-recording the closing theme to MST3K, but if that is completed before my death, it would be preferred.
I may or may not write my own elegy, as that seems to be the pinnacle of egotism and cruelty to anyone who might actually have cared about me. I would inevitably write something glib and insensitive.
Location
Obviously, I need to be buried somewhere that allows the kind of "natural" burial I would prefer. I have a fondness for Lone Fir Cemetery in Portland, but I'm not even on the waiting list yet, and I don't know if they allow the natural thing. If it were all about me, I would like to be secretly and illegally buried somewhere deep in a national forest, preferably in the coastal mountains of Oregon, but this isn't all about me, nor should I burden anyone with an obligation for lawbreaking and considerable inconvenience. Other than these, I have no strong preference, and the choice of location should be catered to the convenience of anyone living who may wish or feel obligated to visit the grave site. If such is possible, a location where there is minimal or no grave site maintenance is appealing. After a reasonable period of time to allow for natural decay, and the passing of those who knew me, I have no problem with the burial site becoming anonymous and re-used for any purpose.
Marker
I do allow myself the conceit of wanting a semi-durable marker, with the usual information, at my burial site. Any natural material is acceptable, and something that will degrade over time is fine. I am thinking of perhaps something made of baked clay, which should last as long as anyone has any interest, yet politely degrade into anonymity afterwards. I have an absurd fondness for the idea of a Haniwa, a kind of traditional ancient Japanese terracotta grave marker, but more specifically, one which resembles the "Gyroids" that can be found in the various versions of Nintendo's "Animal Crossing". I can provide images, and further, may actually make one myself sometime before I die.
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[Editorial Note 2017.02.27: I regret the judgemental and punitive statements I make below. It is common for people to have comforting beliefs that are contrary to the theology to which they profess to adhere. There is no real harm in this, so I should not be so critical, especially considering that I won't hear it, or if I do, the joke's on me. My discomfort with this sort of theological dissonance is rooted in my own negative experiences with, and knowledge of, less benign contradictions.]
I do not want any preacher of any kind, unless in the interim I have truly befriended and specified one, using the event of my death as an opportunity to do their standard stump speech. The only exception to this is if my wife, Patricia, who I fully expect to outlive me, insists on a traditional Catholic service, and even then I hope they can limit themselves to some kind of standard generic script. I have been to a few different kinds of funerals and memorial services, and what I want to avoid is some stranger pretending to know anything about me, or any bullshit talk about "God's will" or fantasy talk about me "watching over" anyone after death, or worse, ignorant claims of me being an "angel" after death. These things are commonly spoken by ignorant Christians who don't even know the founding documents of their religion. I have no idea what happens to me after I die. I do know that by strict Christian orthodoxy as described in the Bible, my body will lie in the ground until the second coming of Christ, at which time it will be resurrected, and a bunch of other crazy shit happens, including a war between Heaven and Hell. What fun! It's a long road to the pearly gates. So between my death and the second coming, I won't be doing any looking down benevolently on anyone, nor will I be in Heaven hobnobbing with my dead relatives, which sounds more like Hell anyway. Also, according to Christian orthodoxy, nobody dies and becomes an angel, no matter what Clarence says in "It's A Wonderful Life". Angels are terrifying powerful creatures who may superficially resemble humans but are an entirely different kind of being, as depicted in some of the better horror movies and the delightful Fox series Lucifer. Again, I don't know if any of this is true. The logical fragment of my mind finds it all to be extremely unlikely, but my frightened little boy brain has been cruelly conditioned to believe it. This is the real reason for objecting to cremation, and even modern embalming. It just seems like saying to God, "You're so all-powerful, let's see if you can resurrect this bag of ashes and bone meal!"
What the Hell? I'm dead, and never was an expert on anything, so let anyone say whatever shit they want. You can probably see now why I should not be writing my own elegy.
This first draft is more-or-less done, as I can't think of anything more to add, relevant or irrelevant. Once this is reviewed by an actual Funeral Director, it is bound to be significantly revised.